If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
