Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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