She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
