just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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