I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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