Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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