You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
we're so committed to being not committed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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