My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
