Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
