I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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