Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
