I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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