i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
