shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
