I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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