i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize