The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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