my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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