I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
