There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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