I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
