so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
