He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
