dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
