Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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