did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize