I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
