she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Is it penis luge time yet?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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