the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
