Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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