Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
