On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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