remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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