a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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