why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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