i jhust puked up my retainher.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
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