rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
