dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
