i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
