I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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