i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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