i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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