i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
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