i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
