Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize