Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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