so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
jump out the window naked night went bad
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
