Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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