I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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