Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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