So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Randomize
