How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
