It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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