I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
