First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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