Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize