Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
