just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
