found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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