ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
