Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's blow job season.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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